Blame
by Tabloid
Summary: Kinda slashy, too. Mush killed himself, leaving his ex-boyfriend blaming himself. I don't wanna give anythign away, so you gotta read it. It's not that big of a surprise, though, I'm just brian dead right now...


Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies  
  
I didn't mean for him to die. But that's just what's keeping the blame on me.  
  
I didn't think. He was sensitive. I should have cared more about his feelings, I should have paid more attention to him, I shouldn't have run off with another guy- I should have this I shouldn't have that.  
  
That what I tell myself and that's what they tell me.  
  
Damn them all, can't they see this is tearing me apart?  
  
I didn't mean to hurt Mush. I just.did. God, that's intelligent, isn't it? I thought that everything was alright between us, and I thought that he understood that things between us were over.  
  
I used to love Mush. Then things just.sorta.fizzled out. I broke it off before we could get more attached, trying not to hurt him. I told him that he was my friend and I cared about him, but I just didn't love him anymore. He shrugged and nodded and told me that he understood.  
  
The next morning I saw cuts across his wrists, but I kept quiet. That's the rules here. We're friends, but we don't say anything about other people's demons. Someone cries, we let them cry themselves out, but don't acknowledge it. The next morning everything's fine and by afternoon nobody remembers.  
  
At least, we pretend it's that way.  
  
I thought had waited long enough for both of us. Three weeks. I couldn't hold off any longer, I liked Specs too much. He's nice and cute and just plain sexy with those glasses.  
  
Specs and I snuck around for a little bit- I wasn't sure how Mush would take it. Then stupid Specs had to tell me that Mush would take it fine, and that he was getting annoyed with all this hiding.  
  
Damn him.  
  
The day we made our relationship public, Mush disappeared.  
  
We looked for him nearly a week. Once that was over, though, we slowly gave up. He either didn't want to be found or- well, we didn't let ourselves think that way. Not then, at least.  
  
The authorities found him a couple days later. He was dead. Killed himself, they said. The damned bulls wouldn't let us see his body, either. Guess he really pulled a number on himself.  
  
The ones that don't say it aloud watch me all the time. I ignore them. I can't stand their accusing eyes.  
  
I'm hiding from it. I'm hiding from them.  
  
It is my fault, though, no matter how I try to hide it.  
  
I've gotta hide it though. I can't grieve, or show pain. Why not?  
  
'Cause I'm Racetrack Higgins, that's why.  
  
And I just don't work that way.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Woo! Didja see how Race just popped up there? I didn't see that coming. Especially not with Specs. Hmmm I confuse myself sometimes. But that's okay, right Psycho Pie?  
  
Psycho Pie: *flicks her off*  
  
*covers him with a sheet to hide him* He's just in a bad mood because I ran out of Nilla Wafers. *shrugs* Eh, whaddya gonna do? Better tie him up if he's mad.anybody got any handcuffs? *evil grin.* No. Wait. I didn't say that. Hehehehehehe. I need help.  
  
Shout outs from All That's Left Is Ashes (at least, I think that's the title o.O)  
  
Shimmerwings: Yup, I like fire. Fire's fun. I was in my cousin's car playing with her cigarette lighter and she nearly made me set the car on fire (long story) And, well, that would have been bad..Yeah Pyro Blink's a bit simple, lol. He's a loony, too, though so he's allowed to be like that. He's a bit juvenile, but he's fun that way.  
  
Stage: I scare a lot of people ^_^. It's extremely amusing. People at school'll give me looks and me and my friends all just crack up. ^_^ YAY! CAKE! *hugs Stage and gives her more chocolate covered newsies*  
  
Nerilika: Hehehe. Whacking Snoddy. Fun fun.  
  
Deejay Supastar: Yay! KB!Muse and his lighter just got me all 'Woo! Fire! Burn!' and, well, yeah. Fish really do creep me out. I can't swim in a lake or pond or ocean or anything like that. Can't go to aquariums. Can't stand in front of the meat counter at Jewel because the dead fish'll stare at me with their stupid, dead eyes *shudders* Yeah, it's a loony fear. But, that's my brain for ya. It's messed up in there. Vomit's pretty icky, too, but the fish take the prize.  
  
-TABLOID 


End file.
